Tips to help you see the good

See Your Loved One in the Good Light

Sometimes it’s hard for us to see anything good in what our loved ones are doing when so much of what they have done lately seems wrong. At one time, you had a good relationship with your son, daughter or partner. But since their addiction took hold, it just seems like it’s taking them a long time to get back on track and everything they do is wrong or not enough or too late or subpar.

Your loved one might not be helping out around the house in the way you would like. They might be living a life that is less routine than you would like. Your partner might not have joined you in parenting as you would like. Let’s face it, you are ready for change and they just seem to be stuck in their old ways and taking their sweet time.

I’ve worked with many families who tell me they are still waiting for their loved one to step up, take control of their lives, make better choices or help out a little more. These thoughts are normal, in fact, so common, the CRAFT model has a skill to use to improve this issue and I teach it to the families that I coach.

Catch them doing good

Positive reinforcement carries a lot of weight with people struggling with substance use or addiction. Some recovery programs even use immediate rewards for pro-recovery behavior such as gift certificates, small gifts or privileges. When someone is working on a goal, even if they are not perfect, it helps to have someone notice. We certainly noticed when they did something wrong!

CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Therapy) proposes that we do our own work on how we can see the positive.

1.        Consider keeping a journal on the behaviors you want to see and marking down when you see them, how many times in a week.

2.        Then tell your loved one “thank you for doing (insert household chore or personal task), I really appreciate it!”

3.        Try to do this without including what they missed. It may take great restraint, but there’s always time later to have a conversation specifically about that thing that they aren’t doing that they need to.

4.        And remember, have compassion for yourself so you can keep going as part of their support system.

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